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Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 1:48:37 AM
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bella05
Posts: 49
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Hi,
My mother is driving me a little crazy. For the past 7 or 8 months, she has been pressuring my husband and I to have a baby. We've been married for 2 years and having a baby is a personal decision between God, myself and my husband. She says things like this: "You're getting old", "I want a grand baby", "Have a baby already", "When are you having kids", etc. Even if I mention the word baby, it could be to say my friend just had a baby, she asks "Why do you plan to have a baby soon?". She even said, "You could start trying tonight?". She says these things in front of people I hardly know. It's so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm just perplexed and shocked by this. My father doesn't say anything to stop her even though I asked him to once. Every time she says something about it, I kindly ask her to "Please stop pressuring us."
My husband is supportive of me and tries to change the subject when they're out of line. But it's coming to the point where something has to be said.
My parents and I don't have a great relationship, mainly because of the rude things that come out of their mouths. So I'm worried to confront my mother about it because it might cause an argument. If I disagree with her or tell her that she's doing something that I'm not comfortable with, she says, "I'm just joking", "You're too sensitive", or she brings up things in the past and says cruel things. My father does the same thing. He was also verbally and physically abusive, which adds to my fear that they're going to blow-up on me. I'm trying to have a relationship with them but it's very difficult. I feel like I'm constantly letting things slide, constantly forgiving... and now I'm feeling broken down. I don't want this added stress.
I only see then about once every 2 or 3 months, but now the holidays are coming and things will be said, again.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should approach her? It has to be over the phone because I don't live close to them. I want to tell them that her outbursts about us starting a family are really bothering me, to the point where I'm worried when I know I'm about to see them.
Any ideas?
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 4:43:53 AM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 570
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
I only see then about once every 2 or 3 months, but now the holidays are coming and things will be said, again.
I would make it known that you don't like the pressure. And the next time it was mentioned I wouldn't hand around them. Holidays or not, If they can't respect you then maybe they don't deserve to be around you.
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 9:34:38 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 2050
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Why not write them a letter explaining how you feel, and say that if they say anything else about it again, you wont see them until they stop. It is NONE of their buisiness, and they need to have boundaries set.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 9:48:53 AM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 1253
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I would really consider why I felt it was so important to have a relationship with people that are verbally and physically abusive. It seems that you have told them on several occasions your feelings on this but they, especially your mother, refuse to listen and consider your feelings. I hope I am not being too harsh but please think about what would happen if and when you do have a child. Will you allow them to continue their abusive behavior towards you and transfer it to your child? It sounds like this is a symptom of a much bigger problem. I know they are your parents and yes, you are called to forgive them but you are not called to continue in an abusive relationship with them.
Please think about putting boundaries up between you and your parents. It is not healthy to allow people to treat you like this. If they do not radically change their behavior you may have to sever the relationships in order to protect your family (your husband and any children you may have along with yourself.) I am sorry you are in this situation.
Karen
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 10:08:47 AM
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ta_mosquito
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Moving from Marriage to Relationships.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 10:27:56 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8808
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
I would really consider why I felt it was so important to have a relationship with people that are verbally and physically abusive. It seems that you have told them on several occasions your feelings on this but they, especially your mother, refuse to listen and consider your feelings. I hope I am not being too harsh but please think about what would happen if and when you do have a child. Will you allow them to continue their abusive behavior towards you and transfer it to your child? It sounds like this is a symptom of a much bigger problem. I know they are your parents and yes, you are called to forgive them but you are not called to continue in an abusive relationship with them.
Please think about putting boundaries up between you and your parents. It is not healthy to allow people to treat you like this. If they do not radically change their behavior you may have to sever the relationships in order to protect your family (your husband and any children you may have along with yourself.) I am sorry you are in this situation.
I absolutely agree with Karen too.
We had this with my in-laws. (My parents didn't want us to have children, so from my mum I'd get "you're not thnking of having a baby, are you?", and from my MIL I'd get all the starting a family/wanting a grandchild hints and pressures) 
Setting up general healthy boundaries is what's needed - not just for this, for everything. Even if it comes down to "The subject is not open for discussion; if you mention it again, we will leave" (or "we would like you to leave", depending on who is where).
_____________________________
"I like this answer" Covaan_Meshuga, January 2010
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 10:35:29 AM
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APZR
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From: GA
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If your reasons are medical and you can't have kids, I would invite them over for a family meeting to discuss the matter. It's natural for parents to want to become Grand Parents. They will grieve with you, they want to grieve with you, families pull together in times of sorrow.
If you are waiting because you aren't ready, I understand... we waited 5 years. Then you have to set boundaries. Without being accusing, in a soft maybe even monotone voice, tell her that you will not tolerate her rude behavior and intruding into your personal sex life. If she loudly and publicly intrudes, you will excuse yourself from their presence (whether at diner, shopping, etc.) and LEAVE.
Make it clear that you will limit invitations to your home if she insist on continuing the rude behavior. You will tell her to leave upon intruding into your personal sex life.
Make it clear that you will limit your visitations to her home if she insist on continuing the rude behavior. You will excuse yourself and leave upon intruding into your personal sex life.
Set clear boundaries, and act. She's acting like a teenager who doesn't get her way, and you have to let her suffer some consequences as such.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 10:37:58 AM
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bolt.
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She knows the issue, she knows it makes you uncomfortable. She doesn't care. So, you don't have to 'approach her' to explain anything, becasue she already understands. What you need is a new 'approach to her' - an pro-active plan. Right now she also knows that she can spout off her little barbs and all you will do is complain politely. That's not cutting it.
Over the phone? That's easy.
"When are you having a..."
<Click>
So she'll call back:
"Did something happen to the phone?"
"No. I hung up on you because I am not going to listen to another word from you on the topic of reproduction."
"You're too..."
"I'm also not going to listen to insults. Goodbye."
<Click>
So she'll call back:
"HOW DARE Y..."
<Click>
If you do see them in person over the holidays you can accomplish the same effect by abruptly leaving the room, going home (if it's your place), or handing her her coat (if it's your place).
_____________________________
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Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 11:38:05 AM
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bella05
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Thank you. I have to learn to stick-up for myself. Trust me, I've gotten better. If this happened several years ago, I would consider this "normal" behavior. While growing-up, I thought hitting, yelling, and belittling children was the way to discipline. My father always cracked jokes about me, I considered it normal and just took it. Plus I was scared to death of my father.
But it has taken a few counseling sessions, having a relationship with God, and recognizing what a caring/functional family actually looks like to improve. I guess in the past 2 years I've been trying to rebuild our relationship. I've created boundaries. I don't tell my parents anything personal. I try to limit our time and conversations together. Sometimes my parents don't say anything rude or intrusive, which is when I feel things are getting better. And then they do it again. So it's like a rollercoaster ride with them.
I want to break the cycle. I've confronted them by sending a couple letters before and they pretend that the letters never existed. We just didn't talk about them. I think it's time to confront my mother over the phone so I know she listens to what I have to say.
All of your ideas are great though! I'm going to put them to use. :) Please pray!
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 12:16:57 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8808
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
I guess in the past 2 years I've been trying to rebuild our relationship. I've created boundaries. I don't tell my parents anything personal. I try to limit our time and conversations together. Sometimes my parents don't say anything rude or intrusive, which is when I feel things are getting better. And then they do it again. So it's like a rollercoaster ride with them.
Thing is, the boundaries you have put in place are to keep yourself safe, not to make her/them change.
If she does/they do change, then all well and good, but you need to accept the fact that they may not, they may stay the same and never be the kind of parents you wished they were.
I have had to go through a grieving process with both my parents, grieving for what they weren't, and just accepting them as they are.
With my mother (my father died 11 years ago), I have to both have the healthy boundaries in place, and also keep them maintained. My mother just can't help herself but try and hack away at them by some means or other. I've accepted that she is likely so stuck in her ways that she may well not ever change. I cope by trying to stay a few steps ahead of her and predict how she might be, and I never ever let my guard down. If one time she is "pleasant", I don't think "oh good she is changing", I think "well that's good, she is pleasant today", without hoping she will be pleasant tomorrow, if that makes any sense.
I don't ever confront ever, I just stand up for myself as and when things happen. As in simply "I'd rather not talk about that" or "I won't allow you to make me feel guilty over this" or "It's up to you: either you choose to sulk about this all morning and try to punish me, or you get over it and we have a pleasant time together. I don't mind which you decide. It's your choice, what's it to be?" 
_____________________________
"I like this answer" Covaan_Meshuga, January 2010
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 3:09:14 PM
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W.O.F.
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You have been given EXCELLENT advice and examples.....
the only thing I would add is to pray for your parents (and I apologize if someone did mention this and I missed it)...not for them to change, but just pray for them...for them to be healed from their hurts, etc.
But I would make it quite clear that some topics are not up for discussion with them. Period.
I have had to do the same with my mom....and I fight all the time to protect those boundaries, but I am MUCH saner with them in place, and while she will probably never change, I am learning a better way to respond to her and her actions...and to just step away and cut it off when it goes ugly.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 9:22:51 PM
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StephenJ
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It's crazy isn't it Bella, my family tells me that I should want kids (whenever I say that I don't want them), and I'm not even in a relationship.
I think the boundries thing is a good idea. I wouldn't be subtle about it though, it sounds like you need to be direct.
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Rock on!
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/10/2009 9:59:04 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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it never ceases to amaze me how insensitive, controlling and interferring some parents are. I have three adult childen, aged 31, 29 and 24. One is going to get engaged next year, one is in a long term relationship and one hasnt met anyone yet. I would never dream of mentioning kids to them. One says she dosnt want children. So what? Its her decision and she may or may not change her mind. Its their lives and if or when they do have children that is their decision. Sheesh, I just wish that parents would keep out of their childrens buisiness and live their own lives.
Goodness you wonder, with all that pressure to have children,what they will be like when they do have a grandchild. Will they continue to interfere? Almost certainly, unless strict boundaries are in place.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/11/2009 7:38:43 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 437
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The opposite happens to me - everyone assumes since I don't have children that I don't like them... aren't people wonderful?
This type of thing has been ongoing for me for over 20 years... and it looks like it will be making repeat appearances as the years go by.
No matter what I say - the same people come out with this "you don't like children" - I can repeat the truth and it falls on deaf ears. So now, I don't say anything... unless someone really pushes the issue.
In your situation - you can try being direct but chances are what you say will be ignored or worse they will twist your words.
I also noted you mentioned that your parents are verbally abusive and your dad can also be physically abusive - sorry but I wouldn't allow a child or children to be around them because you never know when either one of your parents will be verbally or physically abusive. Sounds like some family counseling/anger management is needed for them... actually I would strongly recommended it if there was to be any continued relationship between you and them... as it stands - or as it seems from your post - you don't feel comfortable{safe} with them as things are at the present. Keep yourself safe from their verbal or physical abuse!
If they choose not to get help.... then contact with them can be done from a distance or by email, letters & phone calls.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 3:13:38 PM
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bella05
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Thank you for all your comments! It's been a tough rode.
My father hasn't physically abused me since early high school. However, the verbal abuse was well into college and after. Recently I created boundaries, so I haven't heard a cruel comment in about a year. But I'm definitely still keeping my guard-up.
My father has a temper and becomes angry very easily. Growing-up at times was a nightmare because you never knew when he was going to lose it. So I keep things very simple when we're with him and my mother. My mother is pretty much the same way, not as bad as my father. They pretty much treat me as if I'm still a child. They say they're Christians but their fruits don't really point to kind, compassionate, etc. They don't go to church. So while growing-up he used a few scripture passages as a weapon against me and to cover-up his wrong doing. For example, if we got into an argument and my father was belittling me or shouting negative comments that were really hurtful, he would say "Jesus forgave us, so you have to forgive me". He would then never talk about the argument again, it was pushed under the rug. And if I was hurt, confused, angry, or needed time to heal, he would say I wasn't being "Christ-like". But my father would never question his own actions. He would never admit that he was wrong or say I'm sorry.
My mother would follow in his footsteps, I would remember her punching me in the head when I was little, she would make fun of a couple of my physical features and name call.
A few times she held my father back when he was about to hit me or when she saw that he was enraged. But to this day she still has her comments, like "just have a baby already". One time she told me, "if it was up to your husband, you'd be pregnant already".
My parents don't like anyone who's different than them. If they disagree with someone, that person it's practically written off and ridiculed.
Yes, I am nervous to tell them when I'm pregnant. I'm scared that it will be all about my mom and her becoming a "grandmother". Every time I don't act the way she does or disagree with her about motherhood or raising children, she would say, "I pray that I'm still alive when you become a mother". As if I'm supposed to react, feel or do the things that she does.
So I am worried that they're going to be intrusive and controlling. That they're going to want to come and see us more often. I'm fine with seeing them once every two or 3 months for a few hours.
But you all are right! As soon as negative comment or whatever happens, my husband and I will leave. I'm just going to have to put up more boundaries.
Have any of you dealt with something like this and have children? Were you uncomfortable or scared to bring them around your parents? And if you didn't bring them around as much or told them not to visit too often, how did they react?
Thanks again! God Bless.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 4:07:49 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 437
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quote:
Have any of you dealt with something like this and have children? Were you uncomfortable or scared to bring them around your parents? And if you didn't bring them around as much or told them not to visit too often, how did they react?
*I don't know if this helps but when I was a child I couldn't be around certain relatives because of their drinking/alcoholism. My mom told them not to come by when they were drunk or were drinking... they come anyway and my mom would make them leave. No, it wasn't pleasant and there were many instances of name calling - cursing/rantings - etc(by the intoxicated family member.) When they were drunk/drinking - they scared me!
Even after I was an adult I hoped things would get better... it was at my grandmother's funeral in latter part of 1990 - I was mortified when my aunt showed up drunk at the funeral and started telling people off and or making fun of certain family members right there at church! I had so hoped that with all the decades that'd gone by that she wouldn't come there drunk... sadly I was so wrong. It was such an embarrassing time & it still upsets me when I tell this story to people.
That was the last time I've seen my aunt.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 4:08:57 PM
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solarflare
Posts: 1621
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quote:
Hi,
My mother is driving me a little crazy.
Is your mother a Christian?
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 5:02:27 PM
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allisonbrett
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From: A bit north of the Big Chicken
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With the holidays coming up I'm afraid that I set down some ground rules on your visit. Maybe state to her point blank that before you visit she must understand and agree to the following. Maybe tell it to her, in writing, however it works best for you...
"We will not tolerate any word whatsoever on children, being a grandmother or anything remotely related to procreation to me, my husband, in my presense or to anyone else in regards to me. If you deviate from this directive then our visit will abruptly end regardless of when, where or the situation. We will start a family if and when WE deem it to be the right time for us, not before and certainly not with in regards to your questions, insinuations and pressures. This decision is between us and God and is ours and ours alone. No interference will be tolerated. Enough said!"
Will this work? 
Or you could make her promises similar things which would be conditional upon your visit. I think I'd want to strangle my mom is she pulled this stunt. GRRRRR. If she is that pushy BEFORE having children what in the world is she going to be like when you do?
I wish you the best on the upcoming holidays.
_____________________________
Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 6:07:57 PM
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willfs
Posts: 668
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My Sunday School teacher at a church I attended told me his remedy for this problem. He said that while he was dating his wife, everyone kept asking, "When are you getting married?" When they finally got married he thought the rude questions would end; however, then everyone started asking, "When are you having a baby?" So he came up with an equally rude answer: "I don't know because we keep trying all the time; even using different positions." I think he was joking but it might work.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 6:27:25 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8808
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solarflare
quote:
Hi,
My mother is driving me a little crazy.
Is your mother a Christian?
This is what the OP said in her post #17:
quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
They say they're Christians but their fruits don't really point to kind, compassionate, etc. They don't go to church.
_____________________________
"I like this answer" Covaan_Meshuga, January 2010
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 9:18:34 PM
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solarflare
Posts: 1621
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Thanks Manda. Musta read past that one.
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 9:21:05 PM
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solarflare
Posts: 1621
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quote:
Does anyone have any advice on how I should approach her?
Write. Tell her nicely to MHOB.....and back that up with Scripture. ie. marriage is a man and a woman. You will need to do this now as it will only get harder later on.
Unless of course you want to continue to be manipulated............and miserable about it
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RE: Mom is pressuring us to have a baby - 10/12/2009 10:13:49 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2397
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05Have any of you dealt with something like this and have children? Were you uncomfortable or scared to bring them around your parents? And if you didn't bring them around as much or told them not to visit too often, how did they react?
Ohhhh, yeah.
Background: father was a rageholic and mother pretended to not notice. Smell the sulfur.
So, dad is dead but mother is still alive when I marry and couple years later have a kid. Baby was demanding and colicky and I was getting three hours of sleep every 24 and felt like I was going to die. Several times a week as I finally got some sleep, the doorbell would ring. There's mom, wanting to see the baby. I tell her she woke me up. She says she was in the neighborhood and so dropped by. I told her she had to call first to find out when I'd be sleeping so she wouldn't wake me up. Uh, did you say something?
After numerous times of this, I told her the next time she woke me up I wasn't going to let her in. The next day she woke me up. I closed the door and went back to bed. She never came over again except for holidays.
Now had that been my father, he would have taken a crowbar to my door, broken it down, and started screaming about how dare I not give him whatever he wanted (and I would have called the police if he didn't rip the phone off the wall and scream and make threats for several hours and THEN I would have called the police or the neighbors would have and he would have screamed at the police. Gee, mom should have done this years ago...).
Anyway, we soon learned to not put kiddo with grandma unless we were standing right there (no babysitting for her), and as kiddo got older we had to tell Grandma that she couldn't talk about how stupid and immoral she thought I was in front of the kid (not true, in case you're worried).
She was offended for us having an opinion.
We deal with our crazy families and let God change us so He changes the direction our families are going. Just because our parents did it poorly doesn't mean we have to. And we protect the kids from the crazy grandparents if we have to. God gave those children into our care and authority; we are on duty when threats come.
Both my parents are gone; they missed so much. They missed nearly all of it. But the family direction has changed; we're Christians for two generations now, and life is totally different. Totally better. Thank God!
_____________________________
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Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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